Below are the 12 most recent journal entries recorded in erixilva's LiveJournal:

Monday, February 6th, 2006
7:38 am	transform this elusive cloud... 2-6-6 .... (edited out)....maybe it was boring... I NEED WATER..... i feel... procrastinatious.... thats my word.. i just came up with it. im probly the only one in history to have said that! sweet! im also being avoitious. avoitious: being in the process of avoiding something somewhat important such as work or sleep. i feel like communicating with someone... sharing something... as if im waiting to hear from somebody... yet i know im not waiting for anyone in particular... im waiting. possibly i should be busy... but the time on the clock is confusing - because it doesnt seem to be the appropriate hour for doing work. which leaves me in a state of confusion. yeah, something like that. i want to do something inspiring. something sturdy and whole. something that speaks for itself... or maybe merits further discussion and dialogue. i just glanced at a journal title called "erin m." and decided to open it. its the one that starts out... i had to go to albertsons because... well - what the hey - here is the whole thing - its short anyway ========================== erin m. created: 9/11/05 2:05 PM modified: 9/11/05 2:34 PM last opened: 12/22/05 7:38AM i had to go to albertsons because - erin m was making me excited about living. but i hadnt been there since last week - labor day - when i bought flowers for my sister and took out 200 dollars. i wanted to just give the flowers to erin m. i went and bought dog food even though we already have some. she said to a fellow employee that she was getting off on break or lunch in 15 minutes. as i was on my way home i thought about asking her if she wanted to have lunch with me. while i was there - i could not speak. besides - good, how are you. she had glitter on her eyelids. gray shiny stuff. i ... she makes me excited about living. but it seems like theres nothing there. for us. or... i dont know i dont know. as i was leaving the house i just told myself. im just following my heart. i need to. and as i parked i thought. im only here for her. what way in is there? what can i do? what can i say? how do i get closer? i think i need to ask jenny e. to help me out. ----------------------- end. i thought about maybe sharing this with jenny, since i found her on myspace a little while ago. and thought how she might think it could be weird. as though i sound crazy and im reaching out - sending this to her only because im somehow trying to get closer to erin - still... and implying that i want her to pull stings for me or something like that. which - that would not be the case at all. shes really friendly and seems understanding. she is the only one i know.. that also knows erin personally. maybe there is part of me that still is searching for some kind of bridge to her world. it feels like when i was in her presence... it was like she was only a visitor from a magic land of beauty and grace. and inside albertsons was the only place where we could coexist. her life outside of albertsons was more like a parallel universe that somehow i could never enter. there is that - because i know il never forget the idea of her. the real reason for sharing something like this would just be... for the sake of sharing. to say hey - do you understand this? isnt this what its like to feel alive and in love? dont you recognize these feelings? tell me that its sweet. give me a little comment so i can feel understood by someone else besides myself. and be reassured that this is not crazy or for nothing... that it is justified even if by a simple remark. these thoughts were kind of contained in a short instance... kind of compacted. which i think is the way all thinking works. you have flashes of thoughts and imagine the implications of what you are doing and saying. and really explaining your own train of thought can be expanded into surprising prose for such a short instance... something like 2 or 3 seconds. i imagined jenny telling erin about this message. saying something like " he wrote me a message about you. about how he felt when he saw you and how he was following his heart." bla bla bla. and erin might say oh how sweet of him. or she might just wonder why. was i still trying to get to her? what was my intention?... is he acting weird and creepy she might ask. and what i would have to clarify - to jenny - for her to explain on my behalf.... is no silly. "you are like his muse. you inspire him and he just wants to share.... some old things that he wrote down." because really its hard to stand the thought ... after writing some of these kinds of things... that no one else besides me will read them. it is a lonely feeling. as if ive discovered a beautiful island with no one else to share it with. to bounce between us... waves of experience... that reassures to you, yes, this really took place... and it is confirmed as something that was really great. rather than some elusive cloud of words that will never make a difference to anyone. that might as well be imagined by someone on the other side of the world as - a generic bouquet of flowers for a girl without a face. or even as a couple hours of nothing - by someone i know who might be wondering what im doing with my time. no - its none of those things. it is specific and personal and you wont know it any other way than by taking the time to read through it. Current Mood: great (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, June 2nd, 2005
7:49 pm	JANUARY 11, 2005 i found a new way to edit. its fun. its sensored like nudity. and it makes you wonder doesnt it? i mainly only blurred it if it wasnt important, wasnt interesting, or was none of your business. hah. Current Mood: impatient wtih technology (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, March 14th, 2005
2:12 am	welcome hey, to whoever is reading. i dont know who does. whats up? how are YOU doing. ok. cool. welcome to my LJ. its got a buncha crap in it. about stuff that i feel and stuff like that. i dont know if that means anything. but here it is. its alot of crap, so if you get tired of reading it... just stop. to me, the only thing worth writing about is - i dont know - about a girl. i think my ambiguity in writing is only my fear of being specific and exposed. i probably shouldnt even be writing this... usually i write without expecting that someone else is going to read it - first. that way i can be more honest with myself. but whatever. i just kind of feel like babbling. like theres just something that needs to be said... i dont even know what! its just that feeling in my gut. but its battling with the thought that i just give up and give in to silence. like - whats the point... it could end up sounding like everything else ive written. talk is cheap anyway right? maybe you can tell that im not in a good mood. yeah i. i feel pretty low. i dont know why i need to write this... i think i just need to try and understand something. to find a way out of this headache. maybe i should just go to sleep. but that would be me floating away into the silence. and avoiding it - whatever it is. the thing is. no one cares whether i write this or not. and that shouldnt matter cuz it should be for me. and thats cool. but im trying to express myself. and i want people to listen - especially her... actually - only her. but i . im not gonna tell anyone to read this. im not going to tell anyone that i wrote something new and go check it out. i just dont feel like it. so i know shes not gonna read this. and i know shes not gonna comment on it. its like im in here hiding in my journal waiting for her to find me. and even if she did it still wouldnt matter cuz its just a stupid fucking journal. and not a very attractive one either. like - "Wow so beautiful, Eric I love the way youre so frustrated. I love the way you bottle up your emotions of love and aim to throw them at me but never do. I'm so glad that I can read between the lines and understand how much you just want to be close to me. I love the way you can write tons of useless poetic shit and never say anything cool when im around you. Oh Eric, I mostly love the way that you - secretly - love me." its kind of fun to write through her voice. as if i already know what she thinks of me. i wonder if i do have the ability to see myself from her perspective. or if id just be speaking from my insecurities. i think i almost wrote what i needed to. at least - i - know about it. but still i wonder - what is it worth if she doesnt know. talk is cheap eric silva. and you will sit alone waiting and wondering for a long long time. its because you didnt follow that chain letter and now you will have bad luck with relationships for ten years or something. im sure of it. you said you didnt believe it. now youl pay. or its because you sucked up that cricket in the garage with a vacuum cleaner. because you said he didnt belong. he was innocent. now you shall pay with your lonliness. instead of appluase and the sound of love - you will hear silence except for the sound of crickets chirping. to remind you - that its all - your fault. i love to talk down to myself. it makes me feel so much better. in a shitty way. a shitty fun way :-) theres still more to say. so far its been only mostly the bitter side of me speaking. the side thats grown sick of the sweet ideas and thoughts and dreams that play inside my mind with happy stupidness. the bitter side says to the other: "Are you stupid? She'll only become a symbol in your mind. The imaginary love that will never be yours becuase you'll go ahead and spend your whole life in a day dream. GOD you are hopeless." he really wasnt hopeless. but the dream will listen to the fear - and then - like two blobs that merge into one: a dream of beauty and nice colors will become infected by a yucky blob of muddy ugliness. and then whose going to want to write about all the sweet ideas? romantic and special with sugar on top. not me. im not going to write about how a dim orange light through the window is perfect for sillhouettes. and how i want to be with you in this space. and say that mm you smell amazing. id just want to kiss you. you are a genious of love. you have that natural beauty within your mind. you are - like 60% of my all day thoughts. which is bad - becuase i dont get to see you enough. buts its good - because you are a beautiful thought to have. im in-love with you, im in-like with you - but i want to know you so much more. maybe i should forget all this and be a better friend to you. and forget how im super in love. cuz girls dont want guys to be super in love with them. i wouldnt even want someone to be super in love with me - even if she was hot. i wouldnt want anyone to be super in love with me - besides you. but what are the chances of that? im not gonna tell you about how the other night i dreamt about holding your hand. and months ago i dreamt about listening to your heartbeat. im not gonna tell you any of that cuz then i might be just like the cricket in my garage that doesnt belong. to be something that startles you. and then youd surely smash me! and id be dead. like a little dead - bug. please dont smash me. i feel better. i think. Current Mood: sad (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, January 5th, 2005
5:43 am	paralyzed so i think this was from a dream sometime in july2004. i was talking to my son. (i dont really have a son) and i was trying to teach him something very important... and what i told him was this: some people see life as a pattern of challenges and think of them as obstacles or things to overcome... but you can think of it as an opportunity. always a possibility for something new and better. always the better. always the good side. the struggle for love is painful. it seems to always lead down. but that is not love. the search for love is dreaming of the possibilities of love and taking a risk for it. if youre let down.... it was not love. so what is there that is really lost. now the opportunity is still there... just as it was before. its all about patience. 1-3-5 - right about now i i feel horrible right about now. i feel needy and weak. and paralyzed: lets save the time we have. i cant stop wondering. save me that hurt please. i fell and broke my heart. im paralyzed. by you and your pair of eyes. and the rest of you. it pulls me down. i fell and broke my heart babe. save me wont you. or maybe i give up. we could save you the guilt and save me the let down. but we could save each other from ourselves. theres just not alot of time now to waste our youth in fear. oh in fear. to you: i just feel it in my gut (girl). that Youre not meant for me. that youll never like me that way. but maybe you can prove my gut wrong. you could like me alot if you really knew me knew me. im a cool guy when no one is around. really! i know i know. youre saying to yourself, " im quite a magically beautiful girl. he looks like a cartoon character or something... we dont match." but i assure you that youre a big dummy and you dont know whats best. haha im just kidding. thats enough for now. i think all it would take is one outing of fun with her to change my negative outlook. ideally - one day at the beach where everything just goes right. and we talk and walk and laugh and discover sea creatures. eat ice cream... thats what it would take to make me feel one bit of hope. i mean realistically it could possibly be something much less. but unless the environment changes... were not gonna change. and nothing between us will look any better. although.. if she just gave me one special look and a smile... i would melt into a warm puddle of eric in love. hah. but the more i imagine that. the more i realize that she doesnt give me any signal whatsoever that she wants anything more to do with me than just being some sort of acquaintance. but what im hoping for... is that - thats just how she is. and maybe it would seem that difficult to anyone that liked her. i mean... how would she act with someone that she liked? if shes anything like me, the guy wouldnt have a clue. and thats the circumstance that im hoping this is. i doubt that. but really, theres no way to know unless we do something about it. when i look at myself... i think in terms of worthy of her. and then i dont like myself. i need to get in shape. and live with higher standards. but i think of her... and i just keep doing that. thinking of her. time flies and soon im bummed out and dont have interest in doing much of anything. thats got to change. ive got to change. she just seems like shes so much better than me. im urning. i really am. there could be much more trouble ahead. Current Mood: tired of sharing (2 Comments |Comment on this)
4:44 am	thinking a tad 6-15-04 red sliver so the silence is without you in the desert there is nothing as im scanning all around. i see a silver shiny flicker in the distance. now i am fond of this new tunnel vision. i walk. approaching safe and slow. why run and risk running out of any chance. into sink holes and side tracks that mislead the impatient. but i step with hesitation. i gather enough sand to fill half an hour glass. and measure the time it takes to reach you. the end of the time it takes to finally begin. a simple rhyme leads the way. as i begin to explain how your grace carries me away. a highlight in your eye. a simple reason to follow you. and soon i am lost. into a time consuming curiosity that will hold me in its question. here we wait in the open silence. in blank canvas. yet that sliver of red between us has the singing promise. the single note that triggers the threads to weave. an intricate string of future before me. ideally braided to yours. and somewhere in the link between us is a meaning. or at least a chance. but maybe you never imagined me. and we're perfectly unwritten. actions speak louder than what i thought that i could say to bring you here. but the minute that i act is when it turns to mess. so i breath our for hopelessness. and dismantle my ideas. i sit before my blank canvas. if i dont draw a thing but just imagine you and me. we are perfectly unwritten 6-16-4 thinking a tad so i was thinking a little bit last night... about how she seems to be the only one in mind as cliche as a magical smile may sound when i say it thats how it looks when i see it but no one wants to be startled. thats why it has to be secret or it makes life more exciting. thats why it shouldnt be a secret? i guess... if you told everyone what you thought about them, what would happen? well if you are spontaneous and say things on a whim.. you may lead others to believe things that you dont necesarily have any conviction to. saying them for the sake of feeling free.. rather than saying what you mean. and have taken the time to understand what you really feel. if say, you believed a crush was a minor thing and you didnt feel strongly enough about it, you might keep your flirty comments to yourself... for respect of the other. not misleading them. (that doesnt seem very fun) i wouldnt want people to hold back their compliments because they reasoned against them. of course, i wouldnt want flirty comments from someone who passed them out to everyone. a small crush is certainly appropriate for the spontaneous? a crush is a spark and spontaneous action is the wind? what i wonder is... about the barrier. what to say. i spose thats my responsibility, as in what im doing now. to seek to understand. wisdom, experience, jokes. to have something to grab her with. but what i have naturally.. should do the trick? and then allow the more of me to be seen. it all seems like it needs laughing from the start. its things other people dont see. when im alone. with my dog and making jokes. he doesnt understand but i make myself laugh. those are the times i want to share. but it takes some sort of energy to be that free with someone else. the main thing that would be good is to find someone who you can be yourself with, easily. and somehow people come together like that based on weird happenings in life. coincidences that make perfect sense to them, magically. which suggest there is less control in your own life. that you cant necessarily predict how people will mix - like chemicals. how people are sort of thrown together in a bowl. two ingredients that make the perfect love, cookie? and things have to line up in a certain way at a certain time? i see her as kind of unattainable. i question my worth. what does she deserve? what do i? its not my right to conclude that my absence is better for you am i thinking a tad? am i thinking so much - my reasoning will reason its way out of - the possibility of - a love it can only be good to get your thoughts out - for yourself... for the sake of questioning. never one sided. the philosophy of love. being more in touch with how you feel... allows you to be less attached... able to recognize a risk...and accept the consequences. ignorance is not bliss...it is a void. too much thinking is perhaps overwhelming but definitely more fulfilling. (1-5-5 - but its like i was saying the other day... if im going to hold anything back - it should be emotion rather than action. we need to move forward not paralyzed and in the same place with useless pages of whatever this is! oh i dont know) the real danger is me letting free - my observation. and then you holding back your smile. do i gamble for the closer? do i settle for the distance? and risk losing the chance - to someone who took it sooner. would i be guilty of withholding valuable information? but valuable to who is really the question. 6-18-04 it always seems so inappropriate to mention Current Mood: n u m b (Comment on this)
4:03 am	GESTURAL! everything beautiful to me is a reminder to keep you in a safe place for my sake 9-9-04 the era of a magical girl but im getting eaten up inside. i think about it... but.. it doesnt bring any positive thoughts. no hope. theres not much hope... there is just waiting...and now i am going to sit here. with a keyboard and type. i dont even need to see the words. i will just be a machine...and outlet all of this. ive sat here all day waiting. i know i wont be seeing her today... i know that. but still... i sit here waiting..and that is all that i wait for. so there will be no payoff. and the thoughts build up in my head.... well not really... ive just had simple thoughts of knowing that there was a big absence. and i ... UG... but its no use... see im building up nothing but frustrations. its going to eat me away.... how ... what can i do to make things right? to make things healthy... exactly what must i do... what will it take to forget... is what i thought in the car today. ...because all the while i am building up anticipation for the next time i can see her... and have a chance to make some sort of connection.. and all the while she may be building up nothing and having fun somewhere else.. with other people... and i am no where in her mind... but... like i said.. ive decorated the walls of my head with her.... i feel in a way bounded or trapped in everything that im writing.... i feel like its all a monotonous voice... i want to let out and be freee.... completely gestural in my words and ...gestural is a good word... so what can i do though? ive got to do more than just sit here.. ive got to make plans.... ive ... i really enjoyed the comedy and the poetry... i ned to be cultured... i need to take in.... take in.... take in things from others... to help me in my ideologies... the way i am going to view this crush... to prevent similar past outcomes.... to make this different.... to give myself a chance to make this situation a better one... and not one that is doomed to fail before i even start.... UG... cuz i think about her.. and then its like what?... what is it that im thinking about... certainly not what she says... cuz she hardly talks... but when she does talk to me... its like zapping my taste buds after not having eaten anything for a long time. shes just beautiful.. that cant be the depth of my interest and expect this to be something that ive waited for!! FUCK...! i just think shes sweet.. and that somehow she could appreciate the sweet things that i would do ...if she allowed me to be close... if she wanted an emo boy.. i would be emo-zilla. but im not really sure what she likes in a guy... just like they all say... they want someone confident with a sense of humor. and... whenever i like someone... im never that person... so maybe i should try to be. as hard as it may be. fuck... its such a trap. ive got to try to make this a positive thing. ug,,, she just.. because the face of the girl that i have on my hopes. and i miss that face when shes gone. and when shes there.. i just glance twice in awe. i sent her a special message. and i felt good about it after i wrote it. and feeling good for just a moment reminded me of God and that if this is just a rough spot. just a test... that i have to remain strong. if i could openly tell her sweet things that make me feel good after saying it... and have her smile or show that she likes it... i would be charged. it would totally keep me going...with a positive mood that would affect others... ahh. it would be so awesome.... and every once in a while i feel that. like after i sent her an email... i couldnt wait to get her response to that...and thats all i waited for... and as it got to be too long of a wait.. i started getting really frustrated and unsatisfied with everything. i just felt empty inside. and thats hard to go through... that kind of up and down... from feeling really good about something... and then to think that.. well... there wont be anything else to look forward to. its so draining.. and it drains people around me..when i just tell them im tired. but really this is whats on my mind. and it pulls me down cuz i feel that slight high fading away... it pulls away like its torn from me. that little bit of hope that is ripped away but was already so attached like your skin. and so i wait for the response and then i get it... and its like a one liner and im like... UG. i expected this... but still... i wish i could have so much more... and then i think about it and think... well the one liner reflects how shes not interested in me... i would just be bugging if i tried to pursue her. its such a battle. and i have no idea where i stand. i should give up.. and for a moment i feel so confident in that idea. yeah just give up. is that really fair for me? is that the smartest thing i can do? when i think people like me that im not interested in... i just think to myself... im not the one for you... even though you dont think so now... theres someone better for you... cuz they would actually like you and want to be with you. you cant force anyone to feel something. either you feel it or you dont... and theres so many girls... i just wish... wish that i can dedicate myself to one... and have it mean something to her. 9-5-4 continuing to document this new crush... today felt a whole lot better than yesterday... i woke up and just decided to start working. so i had things to do that kept me busy. i knew for a fact that i wouldnt see her so it wasnt like i was expecting anything. or even hoping for. but i decided to send her a text message only cuz i was bored. i just said what the hell and said "hello how do you do today? k bye eric S. and i got a quick reply and i was surprised. i think it was enough to fuel me through the day. but when i got home and finished eating i really wanted a nap. and i day dreamed about holding her. just like... what if. it was nap time for us both. nothing bad... just day dreams you know. eh it sounds stupid but so what. fuck- anyway. i didnt feel attached. i thought of her. and thought about how sweet. i eagerly checked my myspace but there was nothing that satisfied. but anyway... the thoughts that i have are of... patience id say. the way i felt last night... is as if i wanted only her - now - i dont even know what would have made it better. but today i think... we have from now until forever to be friends... i just met her like 6 months ago or so. i hope il still know her in 3 years and know her much better. that i can be her pal. if i can do that... then somewhere in that time we shall see if anything more was meant to be between us. she will decide in her heart... and i will decide in mine. right now there shouldnt be any pressure. were still young. despite what anyone says theres no reason to hurry into anything. if you dont believe you dont have to breathe. i thought about that line... and i felt good about it. its just there is that fear that... i could be with her.. and its up to me to make it happen... or else someone else will be with her whether or not they were a better man for the job. the aggressive one gets the job. would it be my crime if i didnt act upon these little indicators in my gut? i trust that she wouldnt do what she didnt believe in either. i pray. so... i dont really expect anything. but in the meantime, it feels wrong not to leave her messages of some sort. shes on my mind anyway so why not. - give her that clue. Current Mood: exposing... shivering (Comment on this)
3:32 am	Gestural 2 november: 11-21-04 i was just reading the Gestural and it was so rad! i mean.. completely fluid. what could be better for writing. nothing id say. so what could be hiding in my mind this time... i need to connect with myself. i need to extract some meaning from the mundane day to day events and remember some of my thoughts... the ones i aimed to write down but never did. or never explored further. well for one thing i definitely havnt paid enough attention to the fact that i need to start planning for my future. i need to be ready for anything when i get out of school. mentally charged with the idea that i can do anything! i need to get my demo reel together and keep that in mind as im finishing these current projects. one thought was the idea that im not having gus or chris next semester. and that gives me a whole new perspective. i mean, i should be working as hard as i can to prove my worth to myself... but in a big way now i know that i only have these few weeks left to prove myself to them. its just starting to sink in... the fact that senior show will be here in no time at all. i dont feel like ive shown my full potential yet. but even so... it just takes time to develop... i mean... the band hasnt shown its full potential... that doesnt mean that we havnt been working hard. i cant imagine what it would be like to just do one thing in life... for example, play drums. imagine a a random guy walking around and you see him... and then you realize that you recognize him.... THATS the best drummer in the world... or one of them at least. youd say to yourself... wow that guy is a genius. now think - what if he couldnt do anything else. and didnt even try to. that would be okay. does he make a bigger impact on the world being the best at one thing... than pretty good at many things?? thats a serious question. would he make more money... it would probably be easier to. but if your smart you can make your separate talents work for you. these are the important matters to think about. and i have been more and more... but heres the thing... when im home... i think about those things.. but im also kind of slowed down by the day dreams and curiosities and aspirations to be a poetic person.... that would somehow bring me close to the girl of my dreams. punch me if im stupid.. but i sometimes feel like theres a chance that i could make (magical girl) my girlfriend. not that i would know how to do it... but but i mean.. anything is possible, and why not this. is it up to me just knowing what to do... what to say? or how to think about it... how to approach this . cuz i mean... ive never had a real girlfriend or a real job... but ive done so many things to help people, and i love that. and i know how to love someone... its just kind of intimidating when things are made official... when there is a commitment. but its the one thing ive wanted all my life - with a girl... with a job, i wish it could be more like free lance. like favors. but wouldnt it be so grand to be known by a company for all that i do and be appreciated and cherished. sometimes i think... well theres no use to try and force something. theres no use in making a move, i would just scare her away. im so afraid of that. so i think its best not to rush into any irrational actions and just keep things normal. yet - if she suddenly was swept up by some other boy who liked her. what if that boy could have been me. and just like in the first "gestural" i wrote... and what if - i was the better man for the job! i would be the GUILTY one. just like - we are all guilty for the good we did not do. i would be the one to blame for keeping something from her that she could have loved. and what if... maybe i should hurry up and tell her what i think. i get so scared... of doing it.. and not doing it. mistake: an error or fault resulting from defective judgment, deficient knowledge, or carelessness... a misconception or misunderstanding. defective judgment: would be, i cannot recognize when someone could be interested in me, i dont know when or when not to give up... deficient knowledge: i dont understand the options that i have, i dont know that she may already be interested in me or in someone else (does that really matter). carelessness: i somehow become detached and dont take good enough care of myself... one careless act leads to another and eventually i just start to reflect too much negative energy. i dont show enough of my interest when making a little bit of extra effort here and there will make her think of me more often. all of these things could be the mistake that leads me to missing out on something that should have been. but pre-determinism is a whole other tricky idea. Current Mood: almost exposed (Comment on this)
2:38 am	Isnt it always isnt it always time to write. this collection of thoughts started on May, 13, 2004. so the girl on my mind in this one is different than the present (magical girl). its not very organized. switching between prose and poetry and subjects... random thoughts. isnt it always: nothing else seems quite as worthy as the green that grows on the other side you feel much safer knowing that you have nothing to gain with your face in the dirt the eyes arent even on you another song about... desire/upper hands.... why someone gives themselves the lower seat.... emoboy trying to make person feel wanted but is being too emo.. more successful at making them feel bad and sorry for emoboy i believe dave chapelle said it best... women want to feel comfortable. well ya know... if cardboard could work...men wouldnt buy houses. etc. but its true... people want to feel comfortable. weve got alot of songs to write... i have a huge responsibility as song writer.... the stage i want to reach as a writer is... songs that connect with people word for word... true expressive insightful emotional blunt honest real colorful poetic ...and that seems general so far....i really want to make a person say... man that is good... it makes perfect sense...and its so beautifully put...and smart. the words have to be perfect... there cannot be extra words. which i think is a thing i need to work on. i need to keep a journal...that is my life plan for myth class. and sleep time now. the power of the word - isnt it always time to write.... the blank space gives me a target to fill the body of the beast lays dormant and cloaked (latent) i find this clue that leads me right to the next one what are you aiming to do? rub it in my face the fact that you - have been lucky enough. i will not respond. il collect myself - absorb your (unplanned unkind words) i see it is based on fear. when you feel personally attacked. and the beautiful floor under you seems shaky. i see it is based on fear. il collect it and reshape it into a new form that - i will polish and deliver back. you wont even recognize the origin. people might look at you and assume anything they wish. and based on who knows what. could be any small piece of gossip they got from an unreliable source. such as... someone said they heard you say something... word spread. this guy is a jerk... and people will treat him based on that. rather than talk to him for themselves to find out. they can also assume good things like how close you are to someone. and read the same things you know of in ways that are overly optimistic. such as comments that girls leave me.... which are nice at first and then fade... and dont always add to my confidence.... i for one... am not overly optimistic in how i read girls. its just my nature. it depends on what i consider stable. i have a sense for what is temporary. therefore what comes from that source is unsure. it can be spontaneous and i fear that even she could change at any moment. she would be gone - moved on there are different layers of unlucky and shifting hours between joy and jealousy. the spotlights and the sidelines. (emotion as a radio station.... one hour is the lucky show.... the next hour is the jealousy show) and i wouldnt say pride. feeling proud is kind of - you in relation to others. but the feeling opposite to jealousy....is simply joy... with no one else involved. meaning you dont care what anyone thinks. as we continue im trying to understand where this is going to no one wants to feel like yesterdays paper. with old news of no use. the truth is she makes you feel - you want to feel important - to her in her heart... from where they stand in that space ....scared of what - the truth is - id rather lie. if thats what it takes to feel alive. to lie(how can it be its best to lie). ..... a temporary home. that is her glow. a temporary home. but who wants temporary. ... im interested in first of all if you would be interested and even curious for who i would take my next breath i want so much right now just to be understood.... first of all... by myself. so far ive been walking on a line between prose and poetry and first of all i think prose should be the main target. arriving at an explanation. not being caught up in the poetics. those are within the final touches and edits. okay so its first time to get into the flow of writing for the sake of writing. a freestyle. so i have no girls in my life right now. the closest to a candidate for me is (girl). and im quite sure that she is also that for many other single males guys around my age. and thats a big negative eh for me. and it scares me. and makes me jealous and all that ... but at the same time its not like im caught in this emotionally.. i started to for a bit. but that was just a little glass of water in my face. i have the distance now to be somewhat reasonable. thats a good point. i think in a lot of things i do... its unclear to grasp the big picture as though im standing right in front of it point blank. (maybe thats why they call it point blank... because you dont get the point of something untill you stand back a little and take the whole thing in.... anyway. thats probly not it at all... but...) you need to distance yourself from the subject emotionally... to observe it and see whats making it tick.... place yourself in several different shoes thats what being sensitive is i think. first of all with a curiosity in what others think or feel. and then developing maybe into a deeper connection/ wonder/ sympathy/ understanding or quest for it. but that was just a little glass of water in my face i cant believe that some people dont dream. whats up with that. i think dreaming is so important... wel it feels valuable. Man i dont want to be awake right now. i feel like.. i need something!.... need to create something. need to have someone here. something feels ... like its almost there.... when i feel so behind. eek. why does the world need to sleep at night. what a bunch of (conformists) overwheming. can never make sense of it. i dont think about it. but when i do. im attached to time. i could be wasting this instead of doing my best at using it wisely. today i woke:: i didnt want to get out of bed. i wanted to keep sleeping. i had obligations today that i didnt want to face. a few little things i had to do. little crap tasks. im glad my parents werent here... i would have gotten up just so they wouldnt think i was being a bum. but i was being one...and i didnt care. i knew people would start calling me. i just wanted to lay there. i wanted dreamgirl to call. but i had a dream about blueyes but somehow it was also a monkey...and felt like milo was licking me on my neck. he doesnt usually do that thought, so i didnt think that actually happened. jealous and desire faith in love want to kiss. want to punch myself for wanting to kiss. building up and...crumbling down. God im sorry Jesus - im corrupted by what i see with - my eyes - they only lead to my demise - but why - do i do anything - if it isnt right - i want you to fill me so i can feel you - other wise - i wouldnt be - thinking wisely. to be filled up to a full cup - overflowing - over others pouring spilling never wasted. im a full cup half of nothing. but us together are two double strong. two hands working. thats me and you and il be meeting you - in the middle circulate love throughout this whole thing - thats all that keeps it going - only - as long as you fill me - im never empty - you gently pour i keep on flowing Current Mood: thinking (1 Comment |Comment on this)
2:24 am	the innerworkings Thanksgiving night 11-26-04 nothing seems to satisfy right now. i chilled with joe and melissa. but they left now im here alone again. i dont have anything to say to anyone. i think it means that i must understand whats going on inside me and examine my life. there is no place to go but to retract into myself and explore the inner workings of my soul. earlier i looked up towards the moon and saw three of them. 2 reflections off the double pane window. i thought about my animation project. it was reminding me.. to do it. the moon representing accomplishment and acceptance with others. i thought how maybe the reminder was from God and the 3 moons was the trinity. so then i said a little prayer asking God to lead me towards him. to help me. cuz you get into terrible patterns when youre bored. self destructive uselessness. right now i feel pretty fat and lazy but i guess the fact that its thanks giving makes it ok. but not really. i think im almost too afraid to confront my emotions and think about what im actually feeling. so i feel things, but i dont take any time to actually explain to myself what those things are... if that makes any sense. i guess what i mean is that i just havnt had enough inner dialogue. because well basically when it comes to girls and who my interest is in... there doesnt seem to be anyone i can talk to. i tell a few people at school about (the magical girl), when they ask about girls... because they dont know her. its pretty safe. Brandons advice was wise... never lay out all of your cards. i get so tempted to do that at times. to just send her a message that would read something like this: Dear (magical girl), damn what would it say? i dont even know... i was thinking about it the other day. i dont know if i should say this. i dont want you to think im weird or to start ignoring me. but basically, youre ... well i dont want to sound cliche but youre a really special kinda girl. heh. um i dont know if perhaps there is this perfect explanation, some kind of magic combination of words that i could say to deliver the message and not scare you too much. see that start... its just way too apologetic and pessimistic. basically i am asking her to have a negative response. if i were to do such a crazy thing... it should be designed to make her melt and feel warm and special. i need to talk about her not me. but its fun to think what if i were to write such a thing... just for pretend, or to get the thoughts out of my system. or to maybe realize that i have no idea what i would say and perhaps i am feeling things with no reason to back it up.. eh thats stupid... feelings dont need reason to be what they are. am i right? i thought more about it last night. what was it? pretty much just something like.... (magical girl), i like you. do you like me too? haha. oh yeah... and, why are you so pretty? could you stop? cuz its too distracting. on second thought - thats no good. Current Mood: avoiding work (Comment on this)
2:03 am	name of love so this is old stuff from october. in all the things that i add in here about a girl... the name would be replaced with (magical girl) cuz its a secret. 10-07-04 change on the way home from school i remind myself how i need to keep busy every hour of my life... just do something.. anything. as long as its not - nothing. that in some ways.. it seems like i owe it to the world, because of my abilities and my advantages... the life i was born into... and in the same way i simply owe it to myself.... out of self-respect. sometimes it seems like i need it to be making others proud in order to be urged on. thats when i just dont care enough to want to do it just for myself. but i get home and its just too lonely to get work done. where is that drive?... i asked God to remind me.. or tell me what it is... or give it to me. and what would it be?... love? cuz im starting to wonder if... maybe life is nothing but a perpetual search for love... that will never end. it was an interesting story about the pie and the missing piece.... how fucking genius is the metaphor.... a circle that rolls and rolls singing a song... and finally finds a piece that matches his emptiness... and it wasnt even better than the search. how depressing is that! ... im so forced to wait. im transparent... i was visualizing that transparency and thought about making that red painted mark on it... belief in your ability to change the world. and not even necessarily a belief but just the realization of... because it is inevitable. it is only up to you to decide whether the majority of that change is a positive. (what just inspired me to write that down - i was thinking of... some sort of movie where a husband and wife had some problems... but they both made changes and tried to work it out. hehe. and started fresh and realized their power to followthrough with important decisions in their own lives. and then to witness the glory of taking care of themselves and the things around them.) i want to do something really amazing. something in the name of love... something beautiful. like creating something romantic... or sweet or whatever. but then it becomes clear that there is no reason to... or no one to do it for. 10-8-04 im so mad at her. she doesnt let me into her little world. i wana be in there.. i wana be a part of her... but she doesnt leave any trails or ropes or welcome mats out. she makes me wish for her ... and feel like crap. thinking about her just frustrates me. i wonder what i would think, reading this... if i were in the other shoes. i would probably say... look, if you have so much trouble trying to make something happen between us, then maybe it means that .. it doesnt seem so important to me. so dont waste your energy... go away. thats what i would say... if someone approached me with that kind of desperate attitude. Current Mood: expressive (1 Comment |Comment on this)
1:29 am	non-exclusive so i didnt intend anyone would ever read these. it may be confusing. september 9, 2004 tonight.... i feel a respect for my time. for my work... for my past. i was looking through old folders that i had... notes from art history with the views of harold rosenberg concerning what art should be... (no way! its raining).. what art should be... a personal reflection of ones present struggle. (wow rain, how weird) it must be the end of a drought. which was a poem i wrote.. from when i felt like this before. i looked through old raps that i wrote... and came across lines that hit me like " HELL YEAH i came up with that... damn thats flowin. it even almost makes sense." its just so damn easy to forget the things that we live for. i saw my mini discs that i have been neglecting. i know there are things ive created with potential that i havnt even given the time to listen back. but i saw the discs... and i thought, "how perfect, yes it seems right... i should listen to those while i work." its like taking in all the vitamins i need to be a healthy whole person... the vitamins that are the separated parts of me (perhaps creations of mine or basically reminders).... that come together to form the perception of my life. how unfair is it to myself... if i am only aware of part of me at all times. how disrespectful to such an able body and mind. when i am a drummer, or a pianist... do i forget that i am a writer and an artist.... .when i am in perspectives class... do i forget that i am also in concepts class. nothing should be entirely separate... realistically. ...."know thyself." the reason why im here at this state i feel is because of the respect. respect for your awareness of yourself... and the world around you. respect for the past - that it is gold worth remembrance. respect for organization - it is putting the important things in front of you where you can see - because what is out of sight... is out of mind. not only what we see.. but where we are... who is around us.... as we move through different "sectors" of where our lives take place... (home, school, work, ...) we have different points of view... different eyes often... we are different people. often school and classes within school might be seen as separate from each other and from life itself. this seems foolish but i have a feeling people dont even realize that they have this state of mind. when you get to class... you think of it as...you have to be there. this class is required it may be fun... but it is still something i must do for school sake. the other day it occurred to me that we all arrive at class as a group to share our lives for this designated moment... to share our lives... and learn primarily what the class is about... but not excluding itself from the everyday. i dont know if thats quite as clear as the way i thought it in the car. my friend asked me to write a rap verse about basketball that i never finished: when im on the court - im a dancer - acrobatic yoga poses hold my focus - im the zen master - playing mind games - shooting free throws - im the cancer - eat your confidence and shit out my bigger ego - i bounce the leather off your forehead - and now your glued to the floor. bang that shit dynamically, hang my family jewels right in your mouth - my 3 pointers another thing that you should never doubt - leave you sore in the morning. head to the store. your new shoes will never help Current Mood: expressive (Comment on this)
1:23 am	im in here... look im in the ocean splashing - as i panic i paint myself red - inviting sharks. the weakest part of me wants you ... i blame myself for noticing all the good things. the truest part of me has the smallest hope. i take this pain and use it to paint. it comes out the way i thought it would. a portrait of how i feel that doesnt change a thing... ive been writing many journals for a while. and as well most of you dont know niether care about... ive not been a part of this here live journal. but its been building up and i need to get some of the weight off me. release it into the atmosphere. my volcano steam. september 8, 2004 - lounging i just wish i could hear from her. just one small little message at any given time during the day... a crush is basically... a (whats the word.... candidate, possible soul mate... a shit. cant think of the word) anyway... we all go through life and... we just dont want to be alone. we just want to share little things with people. to share.... damn i need to learn how to be more specific. like i was sitting on my floor and i just thought... wish i could just talk to her on a walkie talkie. well i spose i could call her. but in my ideal envisioning i picture there being no pressure. that we could talk to each other without being afraid of the silence... instead let it be. i was just thinking in a way thats looking more at the big picture... forgetting about any little insecurities or bullshit thats based on social constructs or boy and girl drama/ excitement. and just share normal everyday experiences and emotions like two regular humans. it was hard visiting my grandma at the hospital. well not hard. but just a very uncomfortable thing to see. and i sat there next to her and she woke up. she looked at me. i felt somewhat unworthy. what good am i gonna do sitting there. what could i say? i felt like someone else could have been there and been much more pleasing personality wise... but ya know. its a hard thing for anyone to deal with and know what to say to make someone more comfortable. but i felt... like maybe im not good at making anyone happy. i wondered if i was put on the earth to make people sad. i prefer making sad music it seems. and someones gotta do it.. make the sad music. but what if i was meant for only that... how depressing would that be. eh its not true... but just a thought that crossed my mind. my dream told me to run... as in run through life... or work... run with things... dont take it slow... or itl be gone before you know. basically. i need to stay hungry. shahrams house got robbed today. it made me so mad... in class i was kinda mad... cuz both my ideas so far have not been so good... but its not like anyone elses have been so great either... so it makes me hungry! and i say to myself... next class... im gonna come with the best shit and make everyone else cry. and i can do that... its a matter of want. and when i get home... i still get that momentum going..and im keepin busy... then once i sit down... myspace just calls to me. and it says this: it says... hey... come look. maybe the girl you like left you a message. yeah itl be fun. come see. ... oh look new messages but none from her.... go look on her page maybe theres a clue. and then i go to her page cuz its the closest i can be. and i lounge there as warming my hands by a bonfire. and all i do is build up emotions little by little.. and all of my momentum goes away. all the anger that was fueling me to be hungry... faded into sad hopeless feelings that i have a love for her that she wouldnt want. and then i question whether it was smart to be falling for her. and i asked myself.. what AM i doing? why do i prefer this pain. and how did i get myself here. of course i could leave if i wanted to... but no. il stay here until... were sure that were not wanted. another thing... when i close myspace out of frustration making a statement that it does not have what i need. a while after i say: where is it? where has it gone? did i close it? was it an accident? hm... now i feel even disconnected with her. but when im on... im disconnected with myself. so its this that we really need... the prose. the expansion of thought ... pulling the emotions and ideas from the tip and examining the roots. but we need to remember to stay specific.... that we do. ive got to get to work. im getting tired and last minute is upon us. we didnt want to screw up again. Current Mood: h o p e f u l (Comment on this)